I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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