Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
