ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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