she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
