i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
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