Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
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