He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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