My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
