ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Randomize
