I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
