Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
