it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
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