Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
