I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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