Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
