im six kinds of drunk right now
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
