last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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