alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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