omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
