if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
