I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
My penis needs a shock collar
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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