I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
