Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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