3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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