Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I met the friendliest cop last night
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I wish you could order shots online.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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