Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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