my phone needs a breathalizer
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Come on in and take your pants off
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