In the future we'll all be gay
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
