I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
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