one word: firstdatebathroomanal
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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