Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
