I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
