It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
