My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
be right there i have to get my cape
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
