so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
