I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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