is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
