she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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