So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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