Christians are straight up FREAKS
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
