shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
