My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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