I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
