It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
