It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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