im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
how does that bad decision feel?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
