I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
