I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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