The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I accidentally had phone sex last night
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
