I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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