If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
